moving to london during a lockdown

It is now (almost) officially a full week since I arrived in London. I know past-me, typing that still feels surreal. But here we are.

Everything that happened in the first few days perhaps has the power to be more vivid. But yeah, despite the occasional sudden tears, the extroverted soul that craves for social interaction, the urge to go outside and take a walk - I was accompanied by my loving friends, perfectly-functioning flat (warm water, warm room, cleaned areas), kind-hearted flatmates, people that look out for me, healthy body... when being compared to all of that, I have nothing but gratitude, really.

By the way, my 7th day is greeted with my first snow here today, one that hasn't appeared in a couple of years, it seems.

:)

I am a visual person. I want things and my brain instantly project it into a story in my head. How that would be like. How I'd feel. What I'd say. Even the slightest idea I could turn into an image. So believe me when I said I had dreamed of this, living abroad, for so long in my life and I've had 1,001 scenarios in my head. But none of that was this.

You know, part of me wanted to say, come on now move on already, but another part of me wanted to acknowledge that feeling for what it is.

Because this is a part of life. Many things that I envisioned didn't go the way I projected it to be. The major stuff, actually, the minor-intermediate sometimes I got right, but the big stuff tends to go off-the-prediction - but I marched on - we all are, actually, marching on.

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In no time at all, this will be the distant past.

Whether that comes to you as solace or as a threat is truly contextual. That rang very true to me when I was in Jakarta early January, having my dad bought my first winter jacket - that time I realized, this convenience, the weather, wearing a t-shirt, not having to worry so much about what and how will it cost to eat - will be the past soon. That time it was around 3 weeks ahead - but I knew.

That realization came to me this morning as I finally passed my 10-day self-quarantine. Wow, 10 days. It obviously didn't just pass like that, it was a lot of things. But it passed. Everything always passes. And as long as you can see there is a certain finish line to it, believe me, everything you're doing right now will pass.

That's more of a self-reminder for me to cherish London and this freedom and education and everything that comes with it. I know I am anxious almost 24/7 of not doing this good enough. Of not maximizing the opportunity that I have got. Yes, it pushes me at times, but when it does not, it can be counter-productive. Just thread the balance right.

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I didn't get to know London that well when I first came visiting back in 2016. I felt it was cruel to me - the cold. Well, I didn't have a proper coat, so it was on me. And several other things too, I don't know whether it was my off-the-roof expectations or simply travelling in the winter is just not for me. But I only got to feel myself in London on my very last day - upon chatting with a t-shirt seller in Covent Garden. Other than that, I was quite tense.

Despite that, the city that I knew was lively. It has so many souls in every small shop, in people's interaction, in food joint and cheap mulled wine. It is in grand architectures, proud history as if it screams to you on liberty and strength - if you're not enjoying the city, you're not supposed to be in it - type of confidence.

It is, needless to say, completely different now. The empty road and lifeless buildings just scream agony that I can't quite pinpoint. The worries and caution in people's eyes are not ones of power, but fear.

But you know, you know, people come here with hopes. It is nothing else, really. Four people that I live with now come with expectations of finding jobs, learning the language. Yes, despite this condition. Me? You know my story. What could be other than hope that has brought me this far?