We walk

Walking has always been a big part of my life. It didn't really occur to me until this morning I savoured a short walk from the bank to Starbucks. Yes, even in Jakarta, even with the heat, dust, and noise. It is so special.

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I am abundantly grateful with my life, I was thinking as I heat my cup of pumpkin spice latte. It's a nostalgic drink for me, can't exactly pinpoint when I started to like it but it was my go-to airport beverage, next to Toffee Nut Latte. And mum bought a 1-litre bottle of it, one I have been eyeing but never actually buy, and I am now sitting in front of my laptop, with a full heart, a warm latte next to me, another tab has just submitted my first coursework in the master's program.

I don't have everything I want. This year has been hard, truly, at times. But I remain ultimately grateful for this. Yes, for this. The ability to be thankful for every little thing. A sense of acceptance, gratitude... That even when many things don't go our way, we need to remain receptive for the things that do. For many other things that stay.

Seek positiveness, and it will gravitate to you.

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It is not that my life is bulletproof. On the contrary, this has been the most tumultuous year. And the what-ifs are cruel and have no mercy. I still remember I woke up in the middle of the night in May to the news of George Floyd and the whole social unrest and I cried myself to sleep. I remember every rejection email I receive, ones that make me anxious just reaching out to my phone. And months later, the new president is elected and brings joy. The scholarship has opened again. But I have chosen a different path.

The what-ifs are cruel because no matter that rationally you know it's no use to think about, they persist naturally. Of course, I cannot say with any conviction that my life is 100% better with this current path, I haven't known the other side, but that's irrelevant as this is the only choice I have now and therefore the only best.

This must be, what Candide said, the best of all possible worlds. And with that faith, we march on.