The long story of failures

Growing up, it was always a dream for me - to study and live abroad.

I was born in a very modest, middle-income family and I believed social mobility (although obviously, I didn't know it by that term then) could only be reached when I study hard enough and got myself a place in a top world university. Graduated, get a job and live in western countries. Get access to the world's class education, healthcare system, and eventually, should I bring a soul into this world, he/she could live with a better starting point than I was - like the way my parents moved from small villages in Central Java to Jakarta to raise my brothers and I.

It was my north star. It consummated much of my school years, I remember spending my weekends in educational fairs, going with one public bus to the other - soaked wet due to rain, under one occasion. I used to have all top university logos printed and placed in my room, my wallpaper,... Once, a 12-year old me had sent an inquiry to a high school in the US and they ended up sent me a brochure by mail and I held it like it was the most precious thing ever sent to me. I had a junior high best-friend and we used to call each other 'Harvard' and 'Stanford', to remind and suggest ourselves that we will get there. We will.

But life, as know it, rarely plays out in a linear model.

I tried out every opportunity I came across. You name it. AFS in high school? Yep, got all the way through until signing and farewell session - ended up being eliminated a week later due to 'sudden quota cut'. AIESEC? Somehow a missed-handling happened and they placed a wrong schedule for my departure and got cancelled. Model UN? Didn't get through. I should have really kept a neat spreadsheet for this but I didn't.

Every failure was a bitter pill to swallow, I don't have the audacity to sugarcoat it - especially it being such a 'dream'. But as many of you know, we really have no other choice except keep going for it, for we know just giving up would yield to an absolute result that is absolutely nothing. So there I went. 

In my final year in university, I was finishing up my bachelor's thesis and at the same time, I was applying for a scholarship and admission to the Erasmus Mundus program. It was a Master's programme Coastal and Marine Engineering and Management - I had a vision of realizing Indonesia's greatest potential as the biggest archipelago country in the world by developing a strong coastal interconnectedness. I got accepted for the program, but not the scholarship. I got into the reserve list but ended up rejected. It was my first trial and I was not going to be indebted so I reasoned that I probably should have a job experience first and try again next year.

Which I proceeded to do. But along that one year, I failed in landing any possible job opportunity in the related field - I ended up spending one year doing a completely unrelated job, which I love, but nothing engineering or coastal related. This is Master-theme writing so I wouldn't implore that much on this, but I tried countlessly - and again, it did not happen as planned. But I still had a burning passion for Ocean Engineering and I figured I might try pursuing it from energy-side, one I actually had researched about in the undergraduate program. I wrote that by developing renewable energy in rural areas, it would grandiosely help the lives of many. I touched upon development, which related to my job and engineering which was my educational background. I applied to Imperial College London. I found out my application didn't go through on my 22nd birthday.

By then, I rolled my sleeves up and I know I needed to try better next time. Few months after that, a new team was developed in my company that requires a coordinator in each country. I proposed to my boss to get that job. I did. That was my entry to, officially, in the sustainability professional field.

Before that, I knew I was passionate about sustainability with my experiences in community development programs and alike. Renewable energy is also a major component in sustainable development so I thought this could be my new angle. I decided to do a super, slammingly good job at it and build an astoundingly good portfolio across the country and came up with a profile a university can no longer refuse. I didn't directly apply for a Master program in the following year with that strategy in mind, but meanwhile, I filled up all my gap-time with online courses and certifications. A strong portfolio they can't refuse - was my sole theme.

The year 2019 came and as I was sure with what I got now. I also explored where I could get the best of both sides, the physical dimension of sustainability to satisfy my curiosity in engineering but also the public policy side as I want to leverage my working experience. I applied again. This time, it hit to the dream as I applied for Columbia University for MSc in Sustainability Management. And I got in. My heart pumped so fast as I read the letter of acceptance that landed in my inbox that early morning. It was as if my inner-child was screaming 'See! You are going to the US! In an Ivy-League university! The dream was about to turn into reality!'.

Except, it didn't. I failed the scholarship application again. I deferred the program with plans to apply for scholarships in the next year.

But the next year was 2020 and Covid-19 happens and changes everything.

(to be continued)