Self-reflection of a 25-year old

Often as I tell myself to treat this day indifferently, truth is, I never can.

I'd get goosebumps as early as June. Which is the main reason I hate the day. It matters too much for me. And relying on such an intangible thing makes me anxious.

Aside from the sudden itch from typing those numbers down (twentyyy-fiveee), I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. Well, frankly, the overarching theme of 2020 looks like 'thinking' so far. It was filled by self-worth related questions early in the year (how much am I defined by my work, by what I do, by whom I have next to me), then it crept to dreams, the goals of one's life, and the importance (and the unfortunate lack) of support system (how far are you willing to go? what would you do if the timing just never seems right? what do you do when you have failed, again and again, only to encounter the next failure? and how can you cope with all of this, while still maintaining your cool and sanity, without the support of those closest to you?) 

Short answer: Take a deep breath, navigate yourself by laying out all the options in the table, break down big and scary things to pieces, reach out to whoever responds. It will be devastating and can be such a nerve-wracking experience, but I find myself trusting myself more in walking down this process.

Now, in these past few days, the thinking slowly leans to another theme. The university I went to for undergraduate study just celebrated its 100th anniversary. And somehow, I took that as a road to self-check myself. And I find myself hating the person I used to be. Well, hate is a strong word, more like, now I know I should've done many things differently. I ended up reaching out to several friends, to find out what their thoughts are regarding myself in college. Both the answers and the way of those responses made are so telling. And if there is one thing, I should take that uneasiness as the signs of growth. That means I know better now. If I look back and I see things were just perfect, I might be still where I was now, which is worse.

Well, set that aside for now, but through the second wave of thinking mentioned above, I took a note to myself that

People largely act on their self-interests.

A fact that not until recently I find so important to set as a starting point in conjuring any human relationship. Like Adam Smith once wrote,

"It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker that we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own interest.".

And look, that very fact and knowledge, do not make them bad.

It really has been helpful to keep that in my mind, because then I am forced to see it from different lights. By understanding the concept above, even if whatever people do (say, even your closest ones) might seem and feel hurtful, it is just them simply abiding by their own interests. And it happens naturally like that. And it doesn't always make them bad. I am not an expert when it comes to relationships, be it friendships, romantical ones, family, I find those are way too tricky. And I am the type of person that will try so hard to please you - which unfortunately drives to a certain kind of disappointment when the affection is not returned. It helps to think that, naturally, we all are creatures of self-interest.

Having that said, the next point is

Be grateful and thank those who stay (and remain kind)

I started this writing with this in mind and look how long it takes me.

Yes, as of now, I am just simply, immensely thank people that stay. Because I have seen so many of them went away and I have reached that point of letting go. No, I will try, but it will not be a limitless trial. No, I won't hate you. You can come and go as you please. 

When it comes to people, be kind

I won't hurt you back. Even if I feel like I have all the reasons to. Why? Not because of my nobility, God knows I am not a saint. It is simply because I don't want to exhaust my other emotions. And I find it easier to let go and let it just pass through me.

So, how are you going to continue living your 25th year?

Taking care of myself and be kind to people

“Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness – all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil. But for my part, I have long perceived the nature of good and its nobility, the nature of evil and its meanness, and also the nature of the culprit himself, who is my brother (not in the physical sense, but as a fellow-creature similarly endowed with reason and a share of the divine); therefore none of those things can injure me, for nobody can implicate me in what is degrading. Neither can I be angry with my brother or fall foul of him; for he and I were born to work together, like a man’s two hands, feet or eyelids, or the upper and lower rows of his teeth. To obstruct each other is against Nature’s law – and what is irritation or aversion but a form of obstruction.”

what is irritation or aversion but a form of obstruction

I am not angry because I am noble, it is simply because I do not want to give anyone a pass to me self-obstruct.