Making sense of the silence

Can't stress enough how blessed I am to witness all the beautiful sunsets and clear skies these days

Since we were told to stay indoors, three weeks ago, I have been ecstatic. No, on the contrary, I initially thought it would drive me nuts. I really never spent much time home even on weekends, I always needed to be somewhere, so the idea of being mandated to stay in was a recipe for disaster, in my mind.

It wasn't.

I enjoyed every second of it. I immersed myself in all the books I finally have time to read. All the free courses I can indulge in my curiosity with (done with my microeconomics and into nuclear power now). All the hobbies I got to try out. The morning workouts that I able to do without a rush. Even a sidekick I, out of the blue, just launched. I realized how comfortable I am spending time with myself because I find so many things fascinating - and when I do, I savor them all, time flies by me.

No, for real, this quarantine time has been such a blessing for me. I am saying this fully aware of all my privileges and therefore I am abundantly grateful. I realized I never really spent time nourishing myself with all of this. I was excited with so many times within my control this time, instead of those losses in traffics and that constant need to be somewhere. To actually listen to my curiosity, have things to think about on my mind, and not just the constant buzzing here and there.

But just now it struck me that I have never really let the silence got into me. Instead, just like before, I continuously keeping myself busy with everything at once. Read this, have this call, prepare this material, write about that,... Last night, a Friday that was, I thought to myself, when and how did I manage to turn this into something stressful?

So here I am, Saturday afternoon, although I really couldn't stop reading books for the first half of the day, feeling the urgency to understand something more about energy, I now force myself to just sit, and let the silence sinks in. Because what's the use of that speeding sprint?

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Update:

This past couple of weeks have been a low-tide. All things that fascinate me previously now turn.. not dull, just not as fascinating anymore. I realize I have this tendency of eagerly jumping on new stuff, fast, yet having difficulties in maintaining it. I once told my mentor this in a passing, simply label it as my character, and he sharply responded 'nope, that's your room for development.' I miss him. To this day I sometimes wonder where he and I would be if he was still around.

It is strange too, to not having things on my mind to write. For an overthinker like I am, I usually got past a day with multiple drafts in my table. I still write thoughts and reviews of the books I read, but other than that, my mind is as if just... taking its time off.

Since Ramadhan started, I shifted my morning workout routine to some yoga and meditation. I realize how harshly I beat myself up for many things. For slouching and not being society demands of productivity, for having not articulated my message clearly in a meeting, for fighting with my partner, among many other things. This past week, when being prompted to 'set today's intention' or 'have an affirmation', I simply aim to have a peaceful day and surrender the negative judgments I impose to myself.

I know, I know. I need to make peace with myself, both for its crests and troughs. What is funny is I now realize the way I cope with the blues has pretty much found its adjustments too. Before, it was going out for drinks, for example. Now, it's binge-watching a series all-day. It's almost the same brain-numbing mechanism. And to get back up, I'd go meet friends, now, I immerse myself solitary in arts and literature. A specific feel-good type, though. I began being really sensitive towards sadness, I could only listen to the new Thom Yorke's song only once, as I was afraid I could easily get emotionally dragged.

This quarantine starts to feel like a specific type of test. On how comfortable you can endure being with yourself with so many uncertainties around you.


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The theme of silence rings to me every now and then. Might as well consolidate them all here.

We used to always have songs on. In the car. Though I wasn't crazy about his playlist (he was one of the very few people with taste just so haphazard I couldn't pinpoint), I could enjoy it. Most were the artists I didn't listen to, so something new, why not. One day, I don't really remember where we were going, but it was late, and just as about I wanted to turn the music on he stopped me and said, 'let's enjoy the silence for once, perhaps?' 'but isn't it you who doesn't like silence?' I asked. 'yeah, well yes, but that was me driving alone. Now I'm with you, I just.. I don't know, want to share the silence with you if that makes any sense.'

And I remember that made me smile.

This evening, while I sort things out for Baca, the living room was dead silence. I got songs in my mind playing and tempted to open Spotify, but couldn't help to remember the thing above and thinking to myself, 'yes, the silence sometimes can be enjoyable'.