on sadness

Have you ever felt somewhat lacking the right to feel sad?

This past month, I was distraught. It was a hard time and I felt I was lost in-between state. I let a friend know and upon him calling right away, I couldn't seem to utter my problems without repetitively mentioning that,

I actually don't feel I have the right to feel sad, moreover complain about anything.

For, at the same time, I know I have so many things to be grateful for. I was on my bed, in my air-conditioned room. If I got hungry I could just get downstairs. I'm safe. I'm secured. Of course, there are problems, but at the same time, my blessings are also abundant.

My reading at that time was "All the Light We Cannot See" - a fiction book about World War II that I picked up because its amazing Goodreads review and Periplus was on sale.

A few chapters in, it forcefully drew me back to Proust. He once wrote that "in reality, every reader is, while he is reading, the reader of his own self."

And that's exactly what it feels like. Reading the book is more like reading myself. It hit me like an affirmation on my previous hesitant. Following the story of two kids in opposite fighting countries, it was a tragic telling on how wars can be evil. How cruel this world could be. How security and freedom are often being taken for granted.

For how lucky and blessed we all are, without we even realizing it.

This brings us back to the conversation I had with my friend. About loss and discontentment. The talk was then evolved to a discussion whether there's, to some extent, a prerequisite before someone is somewhat allowed to feel such a loss.

Parasite (2019), Bong Joon-ho
"She's rich, but still nice."
"Not "rich, but still nice." She's nice because she's rich. Hell, if I had all this money. I'd be nice, too!"

Now, is there some kind of boundaries of existing condition, when with the same applied weight, one should not feel the same burden?

My friend laughed, seemingly understand my bizarre train of thoughts. While the discussion was engaging and all, he then proceeded to say,

"You know what? To some extent you're right. It's important to count your blessings. But without inconveniences, we won't progress. Not treating your problems as problems, will not move you, or any of us for that matter, forward."

That night, I slept well again after such a long time.